Just where I'm supposed to be

I’m not usually a very mushy person. I can be emotional and have been known to cry during certain movies ok and the occasional TV commercial, as well…but still, not mushy. Really.

Today though, I have just been so overcome with gratitude that I wanted to write it all down so that I never forget this feeling. I have come to the realization that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. In God’s infinite wisdom, and with His hand guiding me along, the bumps and bruises that I’ve encountered in my life have all had a bigger purpose leading me to where I am today. And I am so grateful.

Four years ago (plus a month) I was at another very pivotal time in my life, moving to Aurora from Ohio. I can clearly recall feeling a similar sense of relief and comfort. I felt as if God had scooped down with his giant hands and lifted up me and my babies in Ohio and gently set us down here in Illinois. From the outpouring of help from our church friends there to my uncle and cousins coming out to drive the truck and getting the new house all set up before I even got here…to me landing a job at the elementary school down the block and the kids seamless transition to their new school and new lives. Finding the Compass Church and reconnecting with old friends, being able to be emotionally supported by my family…it all was just a great big blessing. It was looking back on that from time to time that helped me stay faithful and even though I was a little angry at God and frustrated by circumstances, I knew He was watching out for me.

These moments of clarity though, they come and go. So that’s why I’m writing this all down today. Over the last 4 years, I have been battling demons at every turn. The never-ending divorce proceedings, the waves of depression, stress of being a single parent, not to mention the normal everyday stresses like finances and scheduling and transportation, oh, and the stupid exterminator…these things weighed me down. Maybe they still do. But today, I just returned from my new house. I’m scheduled to close in a couple of days. I am buying a home for the first time at age 37. It’s another miracle. It’s another testimony to the goodness of God and how His timing is always perfect.

If the divorce had not taken this long, I could not be buying this house. Past credit issues had time to heal themselves, leaving me with much better credit than I ever imagined was possible. The years of struggle and living in uncertainty without any real closure were all for a purpose. The ages of the children now (4 years later) have made it so my settlement agreement has to be extended beyond the originally estimated terms. So the delay again, was definitely in my favor, though at the time I lamented and couldn’t understand why I was being made to suffer for so long. My (somewhat forced) decision to not work full time 2 years ago was another blessing in disguise. It allowed me the time to not only finish some schooling, but also the time to delve into financial paperwork that allowed me to receive a better settlement through the divorce. It allowed me to be there for my children, I was able to devote all of my time and attention to them when they needed me. I doubted myself constantly, felt worthless and lazy, but in hindsight, I was just where I was supposed to be. When Jack was having meltdowns and dealing with his own demons, I was here and I was able to care for him and the girls and we weathered that storm like we did many others. When opportunities arose for me to get a job at the bowling alley, I was able to do that and same with the coaching job. That season, though hectic, was amazing for me to experience the thrill of doing something that I loved. It gave me a glimpse of what lies ahead for my own children as they enter the high school years, and it’s very exciting.

Since the divorce was finalized 2 months ago, I have been happier than I can remember being. As awful as that may sound, it’s like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. The closing of that door allowed so many others to open for me…and I am so grateful. Buying any house at all was going to be a dream come true for me, but with the incredible foresight and help of my mother, well both my parents, it’s even better than I ever imagined. Beyond all belief, things are falling into place. The showering of blessings that I am receiving at this moment is so great that I feel completely unworthy. But I am trying to remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Thank you God, for knowing just what I need and when I need it and for always being faithful and keeping me in the palm of your hand.