I’m not usually a very mushy person. I can be emotional and
have been known to cry during certain movies ok and the occasional TV
commercial, as well…but still, not mushy. Really.
Today though, I have just been so overcome with gratitude
that I wanted to write it all down so that I never forget this feeling. I have
come to the realization that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. In God’s
infinite wisdom, and with His hand guiding me along, the bumps and bruises that
I’ve encountered in my life have all had a bigger purpose leading me to where I
am today. And I am so grateful.
Four years ago (plus a month) I was at another very pivotal
time in my life, moving to Aurora from Ohio. I can clearly recall feeling a
similar sense of relief and comfort. I felt as if God had scooped down with his
giant hands and lifted up me and my babies in Ohio and gently set us down here
in Illinois. From the outpouring of help from our church friends there to my
uncle and cousins coming out to drive the truck and getting the new house all
set up before I even got here…to me landing a job at the elementary school down
the block and the kids seamless transition to their new school and new lives.
Finding the Compass Church and reconnecting with old friends, being able to be emotionally
supported by my family…it all was just a great big blessing. It was looking
back on that from time to time that helped me stay faithful and even though I
was a little angry at God and frustrated by circumstances, I knew He was
watching out for me.
These moments of clarity though, they come and go. So that’s
why I’m writing this all down today. Over the last 4 years, I have been
battling demons at every turn. The never-ending divorce proceedings, the waves
of depression, stress of being a single parent, not to mention the normal
everyday stresses like finances and scheduling and transportation, oh, and the
stupid exterminator…these things weighed me down. Maybe they still do. But
today, I just returned from my new house. I’m scheduled to close in a couple of
days. I am buying a home for the first time at age 37. It’s another miracle.
It’s another testimony to the goodness of God and how His timing is always
perfect.
If the divorce had not taken this long, I could not be
buying this house. Past credit issues had time to heal themselves, leaving me
with much better credit than I ever imagined was possible. The years of
struggle and living in uncertainty without any real closure were all for a
purpose. The ages of the children now (4 years later) have made it so my
settlement agreement has to be extended beyond the originally estimated terms.
So the delay again, was definitely in my favor, though at the time I lamented
and couldn’t understand why I was being made to suffer for so long. My
(somewhat forced) decision to not work full time 2 years ago was another
blessing in disguise. It allowed me the time to not only finish some schooling,
but also the time to delve into financial paperwork that allowed me to receive
a better settlement through the divorce. It allowed me to be there for my
children, I was able to devote all of my time and attention to them when they
needed me. I doubted myself constantly, felt worthless and lazy, but in
hindsight, I was just where I was supposed to be. When Jack was having meltdowns
and dealing with his own demons, I was here and I was able to care for him and
the girls and we weathered that storm like we did many others. When opportunities
arose for me to get a job at the bowling alley, I was able to do that and same
with the coaching job. That season, though hectic, was amazing for me to
experience the thrill of doing something that I loved. It gave me a glimpse of
what lies ahead for my own children as they enter the high school years, and
it’s very exciting.
Since the divorce was finalized 2 months ago, I have been
happier than I can remember being. As awful as that may sound, it’s like a
weight was lifted from my shoulders. The closing of that door allowed so many
others to open for me…and I am so grateful. Buying any house at all was going
to be a dream come true for me, but with the incredible foresight and help of
my mother, well both my parents, it’s even better than I ever imagined. Beyond
all belief, things are falling into place. The showering of blessings that I am
receiving at this moment is so great that I feel completely unworthy. But I am
trying to remember that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Thank you God,
for knowing just what I need and when I need it and for always being faithful
and keeping me in the palm of your hand.
